Entering the Next Chapter

Over the last year, I have thought about, read about, and prayed for my future Boaz. The godly man who comes and protects and saves me. To me, Boaz was the amazing man who I have already placed on a pedestal before even meeting him. I tend to be the type of woman who places others, and more specifically men, on a pedestal. I have rose-colored glasses attached to my face and do not see them as the people they are. At the same time, I always see myself through smeared scratched dirty lenses. I see all the ways I am lacking and will never be worthy of these pedestal people.  Why can't he love me? What is wrong with me? I am just that unattractive. I am too honest and raw. I am rough around the edges. I am not godly enough. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough.  I find myself just thankful to hold any value in others' eyes, that I slowly lose all sense of the worth I once may have held.  Holding men on a pedestal hurts me and is unfair to them. They did not ask to be

Going through a divorce is a painful experience in itself. There are also hidden barbs that prick and tear open your heart. They are things that a person would not consider to be something that would cause pain. Strung together they make an emotional barbwire.  One barb that tends to get me is pronouns. After being married for my entire adult life, I tend to use the term "we" instead of "I". I am so used to being part of a unit that my pronouns automatically became plural... and now that I am no longer part of a couple, I struggle to remember the correct pronoun. Each time it catches me off guard, I freeze, correct myself, then the barb catches. This is especially the case in the context of speaking about my girls.  My daughter, Elizabeth, was supposed to have an eye appointment this week. It would give information on what "we" should do to help her vision. The "we" caught me off guard. I have been separated since October, and yet I still str

The next two weeks are going to be especially painful for me. I am preparing my heart ahead and have been forcing myself to dig into scripture. I say forcing myself because the last few years I have been so thirsty for the word so much so that reading and praying were easy. With these trials, though, I have found myself pushing away from God. Reading Gods word and praying bring pain to my flesh and heart because I am angry with God. So I am forcing myself to do what is right and obey, even if my flesh cries out.  One year ago today, I was driving to Colorado with my girls. It was stressful and overwhelming but I was excited to enter a new chapter of my life. I could feel my heart break as we got further and further from my friends and family.  One year ago today, the thought of my hubby brought a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. Even after 14 years my heart still fluttered. He was my best friend and my love. I felt like what we had was unbreakable, but I was blissfully

Over seven years ago, I began writing this blog. I have had many times when I paused for a bit and picked it back up later. Writing has always been a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings. Just as I have changed a lot over the last seven years, so shall this blog. The heart of it will remain the same though.  What is the heart of the blog? Life sucks... things happen... it is not easy and it never will be. God is still faithful. God is still worthy of glory and honor. I tend to not sugar coat things, so if that is your preference you might want to look elsewhere.  I am entering a new chapter. This chapter is one I never ever imagined I would be entering, the life of a single mother of three and soon to be a divorcee. I am 34 years old, living back home with my parents and daughters, trying to get my footing. It sucks.... like a dagger into your heart, bleeding out on the floor trying to call out for help but only able to get out silent screams as the world just continues o

In the past I thought being a good Christian meant wearing a mask. Projecting an image of happiness and wholeness to all those around me. I thought the mask would help others to see Jesus through me. It would keep my brokenness from becoming a distraction to others. I would wear this mask that I created and when the mask would slip, I would become overcome with guilt for failing as a Christian. Through the last several years, I have found that sometimes people can see God most shining through the cracks of my brokenness. I was doing God no favors by being artificial. God wanted to use my brokenness. He wanted to heal my brokenness. He wanted to love me in my brokenness. As a society we have things that are stigmatized. Things that go unspoken for fear of rejection and judgement. Sadly, this is not much more different in our Christian walk.There are some subjects that are uncomfortable and can make us feel vulnerable. Top Three Things Christians Hide: (Some of these overlap) 1.