Entering the Next Chapter

I remember the days that my daughter would return from school with little notes to all of the parents. The reminder was that we should be spending at least 15 minutes a night reading to our child. While many mothers saw this as a kind honorable reminder I saw it as a personal attack for a few reasons. The first reason was that I already knew the importance of reading to my child. I see the signs, hear the PSAs, and am even reminded by doctors and teachers. This was not a new concept to me. The second reason was because the note made it seem like they were saying, "it's only fifteen minutes of your day, isn't your child worth it?" It wasn't only  fifteen minutes a day, to me it was FIFTEEN MINUTES a day. The final reason was because the picture of a mother happily and lovingly looking over her child's shoulder as he sat quietly and peacefully in her lap was in no way my reality. So today I thought I would put a new spin on things and tell you why I hate to

Tonight my heart is heavy with concerns for mothers who feel insecure, scared, and alone. I don't think that personal struggles are expressed openly in our society and I fear that it is causing more mothers to feel alone in their struggles. For example, postpartum depression is not often talked about amongst friends and yet it supposedly affects 11-20% of mothers. Personally, I wonder if the number would be higher if women did not feel guilt when admitting their struggles.  Let me start by saying that I truly feel that motherhood is an amazing gift from God. I am so blessed to have my children and wouldn't change a thing.  Now that I have said that, I am going to let you in on a dirty little secret. Motherhood is hard... actually it is not just hard. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. It is overwhelming, stressful, tedious, frustrating, painful, and the toughest things I have ever had to do. There are times that I am so overwhelmed that I can't decide whether

I woke up early, placed my tennis shoes on my feet, grabbed a healthy breakfast, and drove out to the gym to meet my p.t. (personal trainer). He was the owners son and it was very obvious that not only did he know what a person needed to do to get muscles and live a healthy life, he himself was the perfect example. He talked about his strict diet, his love of reaching and showing others the best way to live, his daily commitment to maintain what he set his goal as, and he definitely practiced what he preached. I did my research and chose him carefully. Having a p.t. came with a bit of a cost and I would have to have someone I could trust. So there I was talking with him and I asked him to make me stronger. I told him that I wanted to not be bound by things like junk food. I told him that I wanted to be like him. He looked at me and said, "Ok, if you want to be strong like me, then you need to start by jogging two miles." "I don't want to jog," I replied. He

As a child, I had two dreams of careers that I had wanted. The first one was to be a writer, I love the process of putting the pen to paper and letting the words flow from the tip of the pen onto the paper. I loved using my words to create an atmosphere and a mood. I loved pulling others into my world, into my head, and through the adventure of emotions. Like a roller coaster, I was able to pull others through the highs of excitement and down to the lowest darkest parts of myself. My second dream was to become a massage therapist. I began giving back massages to my father, uncles, and grandpa's. I had very strong hands, so strong that I actually bruised one of my uncles shoulders from the deep tissue massage... don't feel bad for him I had asked him to tell me if it began to hurt. In school I combined my two loves and wrote an essay about my love for massage therapy and won a scholarship. With the money I paid for classes in Reiki.  When I was in sixth grade I began to notic

Have you ever ran into or met someone that you personally don't know, but that person knows about you?  Growing up I had this happen often. My mom would tell someone at work or one of her friends about me and what trouble I was giving her. When I would meet the person I would feel mildly embarrassed but would brush it off. It was never anything that I considered too personal. I am often that way. As I have said before, I am an open book... the strange thing is I at least get to know who I am an open book to and I am the one choosing to tell the person which gives me a sense of control.  Tonight, I was blessed with being able to attend a small group of very loving people, but I was also extremely anxious because the leader of the group knows of some of my scars that I am not and won't be able to divulge anyone else with. There was a situation that I did not cause but it ended up effecting me. God has been so gracious in the grace, healing, and restoration He has brought to t

Have you ever had a small piece of plastic wrap that got stuck to your skin. As you try to put it down it continues to stick to you? It can even become frustrating, not the plastic itself but the lack of control and the inability to put it down.  I sometimes have this problems with my struggles, sorrows, and sins. I will take them and place them at the feet of Jesus. Sometimes, it seems like they end up back on me. I begin to feel defeated or frustrated. Occasionally, I will question my amount of faith saying, "If I really believed that I gave it over to Christ, why am I still struggling?"  It does become easier. Like anything else, it takes practice. You have to place it there and as soon as you pick it up you have to place it right back. I do this with worries. I will be worried about my children and I will pray that God protect them and give me strength, peace, and faith. Still after a little time I end up worried again. The longer I hold on to the worry, th

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? There have been many difficult times in my life. My struggle with Bipolar, teen pregnancy, health issues, and friends betrayal. The most difficult though would have to be the separation from my husband.  ***To clarify ahead of time so nobody will be concerned, the things I am going to discuss have been resolved. We have had a healthy marriage for almost six years now. This passage, also, is not to bash my husband but to show what God has done in our lives since and to show what a drastic change both of us have made. I love my husband very dearly and could not be more proud of him, though I do complain from time to time.***  2007 was a year that was stained with my sins past and my husbands addiction. The anger from my prior infidelity had boiled up over the years and began to fester in his heart. At first he was just a little controlling. I would be asked where I was going and what I was doing. Slowly it turned into a state of

List  5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 1. Lose the weight now... You may think that you are obese but you are only slightly overweight. It would be a lot easier to lose the weight now then to try to when you are obese.  2. The fibromyalgia pain is not going to go away... Don't feel defeated, but also don't let the pain stop you from doing thing. I know you want it to just mysteriously go away but it wont. It may sound weird but you will grow to appreciate it when you see that it pulls you closer to God and creates character.  3. Be more active in school activities... I know you think it is cool to be one of the "weird" ones and to rebel against the system but you will regret not doing any activities with your free time.  4. You are not stupid... The reason you have are having problems reading is not because you are stupid. Your reading level is definitely not where it should be, with help at Sylvan, things with be so much better. Do

Tonight for some reason I was feeling down. I was feeling so low that I just wanted to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. I wanted to have a pity party for one and wanted to let depression take control instead of having self-control. It took everything in my being to not lay down and wallow. I decided to go on a jog. Now this might surprise those of you who know me, especially my friend Christine who goes walking at the mall with me occasionally,  and know that I hate jogging, I hate outside, I hate the heat, I am overweight, and I have asthma. I said to myself, "If you want to punish yourself I will punish you in a way that will do some good." I went to put on my shoes even though I, in my flesh, just wanted to just sit down. I pressed on.  I asked Alvin for his headphones so that through worship and prayer, I could draw on God's strength on my walk. I put Eb in the stroller and told Alvin that I was going to walk until I wanted to give up.  When I took the first ste