Entering the Next Chapter

Over seven years ago, I began writing this blog. I have had many times when I paused for a bit and picked it back up later. Writing has always been a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings. Just as I have changed a lot over the last seven years, so shall this blog. The heart of it will remain the same though.  What is the heart of the blog? Life sucks... things happen... it is not easy and it never will be. God is still faithful. God is still worthy of glory and honor. I tend to not sugar coat things, so if that is your preference you might want to look elsewhere.  I am entering a new chapter. This chapter is one I never ever imagined I would be entering, the life of a single mother of three and soon to be a divorcee. I am 34 years old, living back home with my parents and daughters, trying to get my footing. It sucks.... like a dagger into your heart, bleeding out on the floor trying to call out for help but only able to get out silent screams as the world just continues o

In the past I thought being a good Christian meant wearing a mask. Projecting an image of happiness and wholeness to all those around me. I thought the mask would help others to see Jesus through me. It would keep my brokenness from becoming a distraction to others. I would wear this mask that I created and when the mask would slip, I would become overcome with guilt for failing as a Christian. Through the last several years, I have found that sometimes people can see God most shining through the cracks of my brokenness. I was doing God no favors by being artificial. God wanted to use my brokenness. He wanted to heal my brokenness. He wanted to love me in my brokenness. As a society we have things that are stigmatized. Things that go unspoken for fear of rejection and judgement. Sadly, this is not much more different in our Christian walk.There are some subjects that are uncomfortable and can make us feel vulnerable. Top Three Things Christians Hide: (Some of these overlap) 1.

Exposing the Secret       Growing up I lived a life filled with fear and shame. For eight years I hid my deep dark secret from my parents, siblings, friends, and teachers. My secret came with self-hate. The self-hate began to fester and infect other areas of my life, leading me to fall into a deep depression. I sought relief from pain through drinking, promiscuity, and self-mutilation. What was my secret? I could not read.       Dyslexia is a disability that impacts a large portion of young students. Robin Boda, the Director of Education at Hope Education, describes dyslexia by saying that “it is a brain difference, neurological brain difference. Often going hand in hand with that, are gifts and strengths” (Boda). Yale’s MDAI, Multicultural Dyslexia Awareness Initiative, posted “20% of the population is struggling with this hidden disability” ( MDAI). Goldish, author of Everything You Need to Know About Dyslexia , wrote “It is further estimated that 10 to 15 percent of scho

Tonight my heart is heavy with concerns for mothers who feel insecure, scared, and alone. I don't think that personal struggles are expressed openly in our society and I fear that it is causing more mothers to feel alone in their struggles. For example, postpartum depression is not often talked about amongst friends and yet it supposedly affects 11-20% of mothers. Personally, I wonder if the number would be higher if women did not feel guilt when admitting their struggles.  Let me start by saying that I truly feel that motherhood is an amazing gift from God. I am so blessed to have my children and wouldn't change a thing.  Now that I have said that, I am going to let you in on a dirty little secret. Motherhood is hard... actually it is not just hard. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. It is overwhelming, stressful, tedious, frustrating, painful, and the toughest things I have ever had to do. There are times that I am so overwhelmed that I can't decide whether

It isn't very often that my husband becomes concerned about me, but recently he was asking me about my blogging. I told him I haven't written anything in a while and he was concerned. It is not like me to not want to communicate, write, and process things openly. He has been telling me that I need to write a blog post and has even been trying to give me ideas, which slightly annoyed and confused me since he doesn't even read my writings.  I have battled depression and anxiety since I was in high school. One of my first signs of slipping into it is when I become withdrawn... isolated.. and tired. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed, but I do know that these are warning signs. The best way I have controlled my anxiety and depression is by being proactive. When I feel like isolating, I make myself get out. When I feel like sleeping all the time, I make myself wake up on a schedule. Things like this, along with recognizing my warning signs have made a huge diff

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? There have been many difficult times in my life. My struggle with Bipolar, teen pregnancy, health issues, and friends betrayal. The most difficult though would have to be the separation from my husband.  ***To clarify ahead of time so nobody will be concerned, the things I am going to discuss have been resolved. We have had a healthy marriage for almost six years now. This passage, also, is not to bash my husband but to show what God has done in our lives since and to show what a drastic change both of us have made. I love my husband very dearly and could not be more proud of him, though I do complain from time to time.***  2007 was a year that was stained with my sins past and my husbands addiction. The anger from my prior infidelity had boiled up over the years and began to fester in his heart. At first he was just a little controlling. I would be asked where I was going and what I was doing. Slowly it turned into a state of

List  5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 1. Lose the weight now... You may think that you are obese but you are only slightly overweight. It would be a lot easier to lose the weight now then to try to when you are obese.  2. The fibromyalgia pain is not going to go away... Don't feel defeated, but also don't let the pain stop you from doing thing. I know you want it to just mysteriously go away but it wont. It may sound weird but you will grow to appreciate it when you see that it pulls you closer to God and creates character.  3. Be more active in school activities... I know you think it is cool to be one of the "weird" ones and to rebel against the system but you will regret not doing any activities with your free time.  4. You are not stupid... The reason you have are having problems reading is not because you are stupid. Your reading level is definitely not where it should be, with help at Sylvan, things with be so much better. Do

Describe 3 legitimate fears and explain why you fear them.. 1. I just realized today that I have a fear of my husband losing his job. In the last year my husband has shown up at home early twice unannounced. Each time I was hit in the gut with a terrible feeling. Just upon seeing his face after he opened the door, I knew that he had lost his job. I felt so overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. I feared not being able to pay the bills or provide for the girls. His new job has him coming home at random times when they are not busy. When he walks in the door my heart and thoughts start racing. I know in my head that God is in control and that he has and will provide for us, but my flesh pulls me into a place of fear.  2. Depression, anxiety, manic depression, and other mental illnesses run strong in my family as well as my husbands family. Since my oldest daughter is so much like me, I fear her possible struggle with mental illness. I remember the feeling of being in the deepest darkest