Entering the Next Chapter

I am like a tree... From a distance I look like any other tree. I seem to stand tall and strong. I have branches with growth and life, As you get closer you notice something, I have damaged and dead limbs. I lean from the constant winds. I have words and scars engraved in me....  words of self-hatred. My entire life I have battled with self-hatred. I have battled with thinking so little of myself that I feel guilty for others being exposed to my presence. I feel thankful for those who harm me, because they at least loved the unloveable me. I apologize for having emotions and opinions. I am not humble, I am uncomfortable with any praise. I see myself as stupid, lazy, unloveable, weak, annoying, fat, ugly, and worthless. I struggle to believe that friends and family can love me, but rather they are so kind and have pity on me. How can a perfect God, my Heavenly Father, love this? I have so many toxins in my thinking and engraved into the identity. Some have been engraved int

For really struggling with self-confidence, I tend to also really struggle with pride. Not the type of prose where I think I am great or all that, but the type where I tend to think “I’ve got this.” I try to be strong, fight through, run on fumes, shove feelings down, and not inconvenience anyone. I have done this for a long time and it seemed to always work for me, until it didn’t. If you have ever had a toddler near you in your daily life you would easily recognize the insanity and craziness I speak of. Toddlers tend to want to be independent, even when their ability does not match their objective. “I do it”, the young girl says to her mom as she tries to pick up the 20 lb bag of dog food. “No, I pour it”, says the eager boy with the full gallon of milk and the unstable plastic cup on the floor. Toddlers so want to accomplish what they see as within their ability and skill set. Often, this leads to tantrums and tears. This is where I have come to as an adult. I am all the

I write this with a heavy heart. Almost a half a year ago now I was blindsided. I heard news that left my life in shambles. I found out that we were going to relocate away from our friends and family. While this terrified me, I rested in the peace of knowing that my marriage was in a good place. We were rock solid and could face anything. Little did I know that the ground under my marriage was deteriorating quickly. A few days after moving I discovered that my best friend and prince was done with me and with God. Unbeknownst to me, he had been pushing God away and seeking comfort in another woman. I am thankful that God brought it to light, but it hurt. Slowly over several month of trying to fight for my marriage, I began to see how deep and dark things really were. I came to a point where I did not recognize the man my husband had become. Yet, God gave me the strength to fight for my family and marriage. Slowly more truths were exposed. I had thought that I wasn’t alone in fighting,