Entering the Next Chapter

Take a moment to look at this angle chart below: Many women have found that when taking a selfie the most flattering angle tends to be between 30 ° and 60 ° (also between 120 ° and 150 °. This angle lessens the dreaded double chin, slims the figure, and makes all the difference in the world. It seems like such a silly little thing, but it is a big deal. Many of us already struggle to like or even to just tolerate our bodies, especially in reflections and pictures. We notice every little imperfection. We see the rolls, the pimples, the shape of our nose, and so many other things. So if that little difference in an angle changes how we feel about ourselves even in a tiny way, we do it.  I was looking through the pictures on my phone when I came upon two pictures that I hate! I found them absolutely embarrassing and horrifying to look at. I went to delete them when I came upon a couple realizations.    My first realization:   Charlie took these pictures and they are her art

This week I collapsed under pressure. The weight of everything pressing down on me became too heavy to bear. Have you ever seen a hydraulic press? I find watching videos of them, especially in slow motion, almost majestic. As the press pushes down on something, the object either collapses or explodes. That's how this week was for me. (Disclaimer: I am not a scientist and do not have any background in this so please don't take my word as being concrete and backed up by evidence, this is just an analogy that I am choosing from my observation.) Collapsing vs. Exploding  Things that are not as dense and solidified seem to collapse. Watching the videos, the items almost look liquified for a moment. It changes its shape based on the amount of pressure put on it. Things that are more dense and solid seem to explode. The object has very little ability to adapt to the pressure and just projects outwardly. Which am I? When it comes to the world, I dont really want to be either

The Marriage of Mr. & Mrs. Jordan August 25, 2004 - July 15, 2019 On July 15, 2019, the Jordan marriage, one that brought forth three amazing children, died at the age of almost 15 years.  The relationship was born in July 2003. After a short period of dating the Jordans (then Buchanan and Jordan) progressed to an engagement. The engagement lasted one year to the day when vows were said in front of a very small group. Just three and a half months after the wedding day, the Jordans welcomed their first daughter Abbie. The marriage had many bumps, as many marriages tend to have in general. Having been a young marriage, the marriage seemed pretty stable overall thanks be to God. The Jordans welcomed their second daughter Eb almost seven years into the marriage and then two years later welcomed their third and final daughter, Charlie.  The Jordans loved watching BBC shows together. They enjoyed cooking and entertaining friends and family. They loved using humor to make it throug

Going through a divorce is a painful experience in itself. There are also hidden barbs that prick and tear open your heart. They are things that a person would not consider to be something that would cause pain. Strung together they make an emotional barbwire.  One barb that tends to get me is pronouns. After being married for my entire adult life, I tend to use the term "we" instead of "I". I am so used to being part of a unit that my pronouns automatically became plural... and now that I am no longer part of a couple, I struggle to remember the correct pronoun. Each time it catches me off guard, I freeze, correct myself, then the barb catches. This is especially the case in the context of speaking about my girls.  My daughter, Elizabeth, was supposed to have an eye appointment this week. It would give information on what "we" should do to help her vision. The "we" caught me off guard. I have been separated since October, and yet I still str

The next two weeks are going to be especially painful for me. I am preparing my heart ahead and have been forcing myself to dig into scripture. I say forcing myself because the last few years I have been so thirsty for the word so much so that reading and praying were easy. With these trials, though, I have found myself pushing away from God. Reading Gods word and praying bring pain to my flesh and heart because I am angry with God. So I am forcing myself to do what is right and obey, even if my flesh cries out.  One year ago today, I was driving to Colorado with my girls. It was stressful and overwhelming but I was excited to enter a new chapter of my life. I could feel my heart break as we got further and further from my friends and family.  One year ago today, the thought of my hubby brought a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. Even after 14 years my heart still fluttered. He was my best friend and my love. I felt like what we had was unbreakable, but I was blissfully

There are so many times that I wish I could just get a moment of peace and quiet. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... There are times when I can not even hear my inner dialogue over the sound of two siblings bickering, a teenager blaring her music, the sound of the dog barking at the invisible threat. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... The sound of the chips being spilled all over the kitchen floor and then the horrible sound of them being stepped on by little feet instead of being picked up. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... There are days when I literally hide in my car to just have the moment of peace and quiet. There are days when all I want is quiet.  Then there are days like today. Days when my babies are at their father's house and it feels like a part of me has gone with them. It feels as if I took a deep breath when they walked out the door and I will not be able to breathe again until they return. Today I have the quiet... but I still do not have the peace. The quiet is eerie and encompa

Over seven years ago, I began writing this blog. I have had many times when I paused for a bit and picked it back up later. Writing has always been a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings. Just as I have changed a lot over the last seven years, so shall this blog. The heart of it will remain the same though.  What is the heart of the blog? Life sucks... things happen... it is not easy and it never will be. God is still faithful. God is still worthy of glory and honor. I tend to not sugar coat things, so if that is your preference you might want to look elsewhere.  I am entering a new chapter. This chapter is one I never ever imagined I would be entering, the life of a single mother of three and soon to be a divorcee. I am 34 years old, living back home with my parents and daughters, trying to get my footing. It sucks.... like a dagger into your heart, bleeding out on the floor trying to call out for help but only able to get out silent screams as the world just continues o

I am like a tree... From a distance I look like any other tree. I seem to stand tall and strong. I have branches with growth and life, As you get closer you notice something, I have damaged and dead limbs. I lean from the constant winds. I have words and scars engraved in me....  words of self-hatred. My entire life I have battled with self-hatred. I have battled with thinking so little of myself that I feel guilty for others being exposed to my presence. I feel thankful for those who harm me, because they at least loved the unloveable me. I apologize for having emotions and opinions. I am not humble, I am uncomfortable with any praise. I see myself as stupid, lazy, unloveable, weak, annoying, fat, ugly, and worthless. I struggle to believe that friends and family can love me, but rather they are so kind and have pity on me. How can a perfect God, my Heavenly Father, love this? I have so many toxins in my thinking and engraved into the identity. Some have been engraved int

For really struggling with self-confidence, I tend to also really struggle with pride. Not the type of prose where I think I am great or all that, but the type where I tend to think “I’ve got this.” I try to be strong, fight through, run on fumes, shove feelings down, and not inconvenience anyone. I have done this for a long time and it seemed to always work for me, until it didn’t. If you have ever had a toddler near you in your daily life you would easily recognize the insanity and craziness I speak of. Toddlers tend to want to be independent, even when their ability does not match their objective. “I do it”, the young girl says to her mom as she tries to pick up the 20 lb bag of dog food. “No, I pour it”, says the eager boy with the full gallon of milk and the unstable plastic cup on the floor. Toddlers so want to accomplish what they see as within their ability and skill set. Often, this leads to tantrums and tears. This is where I have come to as an adult. I am all the

I write this with a heavy heart. Almost a half a year ago now I was blindsided. I heard news that left my life in shambles. I found out that we were going to relocate away from our friends and family. While this terrified me, I rested in the peace of knowing that my marriage was in a good place. We were rock solid and could face anything. Little did I know that the ground under my marriage was deteriorating quickly. A few days after moving I discovered that my best friend and prince was done with me and with God. Unbeknownst to me, he had been pushing God away and seeking comfort in another woman. I am thankful that God brought it to light, but it hurt. Slowly over several month of trying to fight for my marriage, I began to see how deep and dark things really were. I came to a point where I did not recognize the man my husband had become. Yet, God gave me the strength to fight for my family and marriage. Slowly more truths were exposed. I had thought that I wasn’t alone in fighting,