One Year Ago Today....

The next two weeks are going to be especially painful for me. I am preparing my heart ahead and have been forcing myself to dig into scripture. I say forcing myself because the last few years I have been so thirsty for the word so much so that reading and praying were easy. With these trials, though, I have found myself pushing away from God. Reading Gods word and praying bring pain to my flesh and heart because I am angry with God. So I am forcing myself to do what is right and obey, even if my flesh cries out. 

One year ago today, I was driving to Colorado with my girls. It was stressful and overwhelming but I was excited to enter a new chapter of my life. I could feel my heart break as we got further and further from my friends and family. 

One year ago today, the thought of my hubby brought a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. Even after 14 years my heart still fluttered. He was my best friend and my love. I felt like what we had was unbreakable, but I was blissfully unaware that our marriage was already crumbling. 

One year ago today, I said "Yes Lord!" and I chose to obey what God had told me to do. I knew things would not be easy, but I trusted that God had us. 

One year ago today, I would have never imagined where we would end up. I wouldn't have imagined the pain and grief the girls and I would be facing. I would not have imagined the loss of what seemed to be everything. To be honest, like brutally honest....  if I had known I do not think I would have obeyed God. I would have made my own path for the girls and I. I would have felt like I knew better. I would have run full speed from the pain that was about to ensue. I want to be a godly woman, I want to have unshakable faith... but I know that if I had known I would have not obeyed. 

Today is the anniversary of a time when I feel I was blind and so nieve. It hurts so much. At the same time that is not the whole story. 

One year ago today, I did not know the amazing godly supportive friends God placed in front of me, both in Colorado and back home. I have been beyond blessed and thought my heart feels empty, at the same time it feels full when remembering how good God has been to the girls and me. 

One year ago today, I had not seen the artwork of God painted across the horizon. Waking up each day with His mountains right there was amazing! I forget to stop and appreciate the artistry of God. 

One year ago today, I would not have worked through my trauma, the lies, and the self hate I had been carrying around for as long as I can remember. I was comfortable in the identity I had, even though it caused me pain and was toxic to my girls. I have found so much freedom in working through them. I still have such a long way to go, but for the first time in what seems forever, I do not hate myself. 

One year ago today, I would not have known the darkness that grasped my love. I did not see the infection that way laying beneath the surface. I did not know how to pray for him. While it hurts, I can see how it is more important to know the truth than be comfortable. 

One year ago today, I did not know the heart I would have for other people who were going through a divorce and the pain they feel. 

So a lot has happened in a year... and throughout it, all God has remained faithful and true. God has been my rock and my provider. God has been my comforter and my shield. One year ago today, I would not have known just how majestic my God is, was, and will always be. 

The next two weeks are going to be painful, but I will force myself to lean into God. He really does have me and the girls. He is also worthy of all praise, even in the darkest times. 

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the chariots with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah