The Week of Quiet But Not Peace

There are so many times that I wish I could just get a moment of peace and quiet. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... There are times when I can not even hear my inner dialogue over the sound of two siblings bickering, a teenager blaring her music, the sound of the dog barking at the invisible threat. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... The sound of the chips being spilled all over the kitchen floor and then the horrible sound of them being stepped on by little feet instead of being picked up. Mom....mom...moooommmmm..... There are days when I literally hide in my car to just have the moment of peace and quiet. There are days when all I want is quiet. 

Then there are days like today. Days when my babies are at their father's house and it feels like a part of me has gone with them. It feels as if I took a deep breath when they walked out the door and I will not be able to breathe again until they return. Today I have the quiet... but I still do not have the peace. The quiet is eerie and encompassing. While there is no bickering, no teenage attitude, no footsteps pounding from above; there is also no laughter, no "I love you"s and no Mom....mom...moooommmmm......  

This is the longest that my girls have been away and it is killing me. They have been gone almost a week and I still have a few days to go. I try to make myself fill the time and get out of the house to do things I like to do but can't when they are here, but the knowledge of them being gone hurts. I tell myself that it is important for them to be with their father. I tell myself that it is just a few days. I tell myself that soon I will be wishing I had some kind of break. None of those things removes the sting of being away from them. The ways it impacts my girls is one of the most difficult pieces of divorce. I was told it gets better. Having to tell my crying babies that they have to wait a few more days before they see me, felt like ripping out my heart. I don't want them to feel that I have forgotten them. I don't want them to think that I am happier without them or that they are a burden. I also don't want them to see how much it hurts me and not be able to enjoy being with their dad. 

I wonder if this is how God feels when we are hurting in a situation that we need to live through. Does His heartbreak for me when I feel alone and rejected? Does He want to take me out of the pain but know that it will be best for me in the long run? I think He does. I think maybe I get too blinded by my situation to see the whole picture and His love. 

Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
    before the gods I sing your praise;
 I bow down toward your holy temple
    and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
    for you have exalted above all things
    your name and your word.

On the day I called, you answered me;
    my strength of soul you increased.

 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
    for they have heard the words of your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
    for great is the glory of the Lord. For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
    but the haughty he knows from afar.

 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
    you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
    and your right hand delivers me.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Do not forsake the work of your hands.