Why I don't want a Boaz (Ruth 2-4)

Over the last year, I have thought about, read about, and prayed for my future Boaz. The godly man who comes and protects and saves me. To me, Boaz was the amazing man who I have already placed on a pedestal before even meeting him. I tend to be the type of woman who places others, and more specifically men, on a pedestal. I have rose-colored glasses attached to my face and do not see them as the people they are. At the same time, I always see myself through smeared scratched dirty lenses. I see all the ways I am lacking and will never be worthy of these pedestal people. 

Why can't he love me? What is wrong with me? I am just that unattractive. I am too honest and raw. I am rough around the edges. I am not godly enough. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough. 

I find myself just thankful to hold any value in others' eyes, that I slowly lose all sense of the worth I once may have held. 

Holding men on a pedestal hurts me and is unfair to them. They did not ask to be on the pedestal. The did not ask me to place all my hope in them. They never claimed to be perfect. To me, the idea of Boaz is a man on a pedestal. 

Over the last year, I have made the idea of having my Boaz as an idol. I have become so enveloped in wanting to be loved and to have someone to love that I have allowed it to control my emotions and to become more important to me than resting in the love of God. This last week was one of the more difficult ones. It was the anniversary of my divorce and the second anniversary of when I discovered that my marriage was in shambles. It marked two years of being in deep loneliness and feeling an overwhelming feeling of rejection. 

Sunday when at church God had asked me to give up Boaz. I felt angry and embarrassed. I have been praying that God would help me and would remove this desire until it was His timing. How dare He ask me to give it up when I have been trying so hard to. Doesn't He know if I could I would have already? It just hurt so much emotionally that it was almost a physical pain. There was a gaping hole in my heart that was torn open. All the bits of fear and insecurities were spilling out like a tear in a sandbag. I was unable to contain them and I ended up crippled with sadness. I wept and cried out to God. The tears flowed so quickly that I would try to wipe them but they would already have been replaced with more. My cheeks were cold from the salty water containing the hopes I once held. The remainder of my face was feverish with the embarrassment of the state I was in. I struggled to catch my breath and my lungs felt tight and unable to fill completely. I didn't know how to soothe the pain that had dug its sharp claws into my being... so I laid down fully clothed in the bathtub crying and unable to move. I fell before His throne begging Him to take the hurt away.

Over the last year, I have dreamt of my future Boaz coming to redeem me and love me. I failed to remember that I don't need a redeemer because I already have one. I don't need to be saved because Jesus did that for me already. I already have my Boaz. This doesn't instantly take away the loneliness and pain of rejection and self-doubt. Maybe if I can remember it, then I can stop searching for someone to fulfill the hole in my heart. Maybe I can take down the pedestal and let go of the idol. Maybe I can start to see my value as God sees me and see others the same way. 

Instead of being a Ruth waiting on her Boaz, maybe I can be a Priscilla waiting for her Aquila.


Acts 18:1-3

After this, Paul left Athens and went to Corinth. There he met a Jew named Aquila, a native of Pontus, who had recently come from Italy with his wife Priscilla, because Claudius had ordered all Jews to leave Rome. Paul went to see them, and because he was a tentmaker as they were, he stayed and worked with them. 

Acts 18:18-26

Priscilla, Aquila and Apollos

Paul stayed on in Corinth for some time. Then he left the brothers and sisters and sailed for Syria, accompanied by Priscilla and Aquila. Before he sailed, he had his hair cut off at Cenchreae because of a vow he had taken.  They arrived at Ephesus, where Paul left Priscilla and Aquila. He himself went into the synagogue and reasoned with the Jews.  When they asked him to spend more time with them, he declined.  But as he left, he promised, “I will come back if it is God’s will.” Then he set sail from Ephesus. When he landed at Caesarea, he went up to Jerusalem and greeted the church and then went down to Antioch.

After spending some time in Antioch, Paul set out from there and traveled from place to place throughout the region of Galatia and Phrygia, strengthening all the disciples.

 Meanwhile a Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, came to Ephesus. He was a learned man, with a thorough knowledge of the Scriptures. He had been instructed in the way of the Lord, and he spoke with great fervor and taught about Jesus accurately, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately.