Entering the Next Chapter

I am like a tree... From a distance I look like any other tree. I seem to stand tall and strong. I have branches with growth and life, As you get closer you notice something, I have damaged and dead limbs. I lean from the constant winds. I have words and scars engraved in me....  words of self-hatred. My entire life I have battled with self-hatred. I have battled with thinking so little of myself that I feel guilty for others being exposed to my presence. I feel thankful for those who harm me, because they at least loved the unloveable me. I apologize for having emotions and opinions. I am not humble, I am uncomfortable with any praise. I see myself as stupid, lazy, unloveable, weak, annoying, fat, ugly, and worthless. I struggle to believe that friends and family can love me, but rather they are so kind and have pity on me. How can a perfect God, my Heavenly Father, love this? I have so many toxins in my thinking and engraved into the identity. Some have been engraved...

For really struggling with self-confidence, I tend to also really struggle with pride. Not the type of prose where I think I am great or all that, but the type where I tend to think “I’ve got this.” I try to be strong, fight through, run on fumes, shove feelings down, and not inconvenience anyone. I have done this for a long time and it seemed to always work for me, until it didn’t. If you have ever had a toddler near you in your daily life you would easily recognize the insanity and craziness I speak of. Toddlers tend to want to be independent, even when their ability does not match their objective. “I do it”, the young girl says to her mom as she tries to pick up the 20 lb bag of dog food. “No, I pour it”, says the eager boy with the full gallon of milk and the unstable plastic cup on the floor. Toddlers so want to accomplish what they see as within their ability and skill set. Often, this leads to tantrums and tears. This is where I have come to as an adult. I am all the ...

I write this with a heavy heart. Almost a half a year ago now I was blindsided. I heard news that left my life in shambles. I found out that we were going to relocate away from our friends and family. While this terrified me, I rested in the peace of knowing that my marriage was in a good place. We were rock solid and could face anything. Little did I know that the ground under my marriage was deteriorating quickly. A few days after moving I discovered that my best friend and prince was done with me and with God. Unbeknownst to me, he had been pushing God away and seeking comfort in another woman. I am thankful that God brought it to light, but it hurt. Slowly over several month of trying to fight for my marriage, I began to see how deep and dark things really were. I came to a point where I did not recognize the man my husband had become. Yet, God gave me the strength to fight for my family and marriage. Slowly more truths were exposed. I had thought that I wasn’t alone in fighting,...

I find that far too often I am quick to get frustrated and impatient with my girls. I already feel as if I am struggling to just maintain some sense of normalcy in our lives and in the home. The waves of constant turmoil crash down on me over and over. I begin to glug on them and I feel as if I am being pulled down. Car won't start... crash. A child has a fever.... splash. Electric bill is higher than the prior month... crash. Getting behind in school... splash. The ever-expanding pile of dirty clothes... crash. Personal health... splash. Child acting up... crash. Personal health struggles... splash.  I feel things begin to pull me deeper and deeper into the waters. I struggle to catch my breath.  Then one of my girls does something that at that moment in that space seems to only add to the chaos. They do not do it out of rebellion or with ill intent, but at that moment it feels like a personal attack. It feels purposeful and frustrating. I am unable to see it f...

Identity is a big issue for many people. Who am I? A question asked by many. Identity seems so fluid and changes depending on the people we are surrounded by, the circumstances we find ourselves in, and our emotions at that very moment.  If you were to ask me, "Faith, where do you find your identity?"  My "good Christian" answer would be that I find my identity in the Lord. I know what He says about me. I know that He loves me. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I am made in His image. I know that He loves me enough to send His son Jesus to die for me. That would be my "good Christian" answer... not the reality. I find my identity in the way my children behave or misbehave. I find myself feeling a deep sense of shame when they sin and fall short. I also find myself feeling shame when they are very behaved and yet I am still feeling short tempered with them.  I find my identity in my lack of ability to keep my home clean. Wh...

I let myself cry last night. I hate crying. When I cry I feel weak and embarrassed. I feel as if I am not holding it together. I feel broken. I especially hate crying in front of my children. I don't want to break their spirits or concern them. I don't want them to see mommy out of control. When I cry in front of them I feel as if I am failing to show them God's light, love, and hope. I tell them all the time that it is ok to cry. I tell them that it is ok to feel overwhelmed. I tell them that I love them and I pray with them, but when it comes to myself I act differently. If the person in this situation was a friend of mine or just a stranger, I would love them and support them. I don't allow myself the same grace.  Let me give you a little background on what lead to this crash and burn. Our van is in the shop until next week. My loving parents are going to cover the cost; it is a huge blessing but I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. I feel unworthy of them...

Have you ever had times when you were so overcome with the woes of the world and life that you came before God's throne only to struggle with focus? Do your struggles keep interrupting your time with God? Even as I write this, I find myself  distracted and drawn to other situations and problems that seem to need my attention, but they really don't. Not everything, actually most things, are not as emergent as we tend to think or feel. We get wrapped up in the now. I have to get the van fixed now! I have to clean the house now! I have to deal with this situation now! What would really happen if we stepped back and even for an hour said, "OK God, I don't know what to do. I a, so tired, so frustrated, so done with this. God show me what to do. Help me to focus on you."  Would the world fall apart? Would all come to a crashing halt?  Or would you find yourself more in alignment with God's will and His peace? We live in a "now " world. We can o...