Struggle and Victory

Tonight for some reason I was feeling down. I was feeling so low that I just wanted to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. I wanted to have a pity party for one and wanted to let depression take control instead of having self-control. It took everything in my being to not lay down and wallow. I decided to go on a jog. Now this might surprise those of you who know me, especially my friend Christine who goes walking at the mall with me occasionally,  and know that I hate jogging, I hate outside, I hate the heat, I am overweight, and I have asthma. I said to myself, "If you want to punish yourself I will punish you in a way that will do some good." I went to put on my shoes even though I, in my flesh, just wanted to just sit down. I pressed on. 


I asked Alvin for his headphones so that through worship and prayer, I could draw on God's strength on my walk. I put Eb in the stroller and told Alvin that I was going to walk until I wanted to give up. 


When I took the first steps onto the sidewalk I told myself, "Try to make it to church, if I don't make it at least I tried." Immediately my lazy flesh pleaded with me to only go to the end of the block. I dug my feet into the concrete, turned up the music, and I pressed on. 


When I made it up a block I saw the steep hill of torn up land before me. I felt defeated as I creeped towards it. "I will glorify God with my every step. I will push myself until I can't go on and then will take one more step." My calves were on fire, my lungs were collapsing, and my face was pulsing; but I pressed on. 


As I continued things became a little easier so I decided to run in spurts. I made it to church but then saw the stairs. My flesh would have rather turned back and walked home then walk up the stairs to the bible study, but I knew that God had brought me that far and I could not give up. I dragged Eb's stroller into the church, picked her up, and I pressed on. 


It took almost ten minutes for me to catch my breath but even when I was out of breath I felt invigorated.  I was so glad I went and got the chance to fellowship with my brother and sisters. I was so blessed with my time with God that I looked forward to the trip home. 


God used tonight to teach me so much. None of what I did was in my own strength, it was through God's awesome power. God taught me about being willing to fight my flesh and just take a step out onto Him. The entire time I was fighting my flesh, from my wanted to lay in bed to each step. He taught me self-control. I find it interesting that often self-control is just knowing when to give Him control. He taught me to depend on Him in my weakness. The physical state of my body is not God's fault. It is my fault that I am lazy and gluttonous, but God still uses me as I am and helps me, strengthens me, and encourages me. He taught me that He can bless me in my faithfulness. Finally, He taught me that I can give Him glory in everything, even in just walking. 


Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."


1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."


2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."


Today God gave me victory, actually God always had the victory but I hadn't laid claim to it. My prayer is that God uses this in other areas in my life that He has victory waiting for me. I pray that I choose to press on to receive His victory instead of giving up, instead of choosing to feel defeated, and instead of being lazy. God is so good.