Grief

Grief is a very powerful thing. It can overtake you and pull you down to a place you haven't been before. I have had depression before but the depression that comes with grief is so strong. It sneaks up on you when you think that you are doing better. God does offer comfort and turning it over to Him alone will bring me through it. 

Yesterday I saw a post from one of my friends. She had lost a dear friend and was saddened by it. Before seeing the post I had thought that I was to the point of acceptance but just as a stone when it is turned over, all the feelings came crawling to the surface again. 

I have recently lost a dear friend of mine. She was not only my friend I saw her as a sister, a mentor, and as someone who actually understood many of my personal struggles. It seems like everything makes me think of her. I didn't even realize before how well I really knew her, or really what she allowed me to know of her. Things that I once enjoyed now just seem too painful. Seeing her shows come on, passing her gas station when driving, hearing a song that she had told me about, and even the smell of certain foods. But none of it hurts quite as much as having something happen and picking up the phone to text her, as I did so many times before. 

When I was watching Grey's Anatomy yesterday Meredith said that Yang was her "person." The person who understands your kind of crazy. The person who knows exactly what you need to make you smile again. The person who helps you when your spouse says or does something to hurt you. The person who can just sit there silently and it never be awkward. 

I know that things will never be the same again. I know that God can and will heal me. I know that I am building character. I just seems like there is a disconnect between my head, that knows and comprehends all that has happened, and my heart. 

Many people know Romans 8:28, which is a great verse about God working things to good, but the two verses before really touch my heart. 

Romans 8:26-28 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

The idea that the Holy Spirit understands that sometimes we can be in so much pain, that our hearts can be broken so much, that there are no words. There are only groans of pain and dispair. Like when my mom comforts me I am not able to speak, I just sob uncontrollably. If you are grieving, I urge you, fall into God's arms. Let Him hold you as you cry uncontrollably. Let the Holy Spirit bring you comfort. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His grace is sufficient for me.