My Life Was Over
When speaking to a beautiful young lady who is pregnant I began to reflect on how it felt to be in a very similar position.
At any age there can be so many overwhelming feelings when discovering that you are expecting a child. There a feelings of excitement, feelings of concern, feelings of inadequacy, and feelings of fear. These feelings combined with hormones can be a crazy. There is so much to accomplish and get organized when you find out that you have to make space in your life for one more person.
It is something completely different when you are young and when you are not married. Even the way that society looks at you is completely different. If found that people were so sweet to me when I just had Eb as a 26yr old married female. People were open, loving, and supportive; but when I was pregnant with Abbie many people were either rude or disconnected from me. It can feel very lonely and confusing.
When I was on my spring break my senior year, I noticed that my lower back was constantly hurting. I took a pregnancy test and did not believe the results, so much so that I took a second test. My life was over. I was engaged to my now hubby but my first reaction was that he would break up with me. I only told a couple friends for fear of the rumors that would be spread at school. I was terrified at the idea of telling my mom and dad but I remembered my mom always telling me, "No matter what you do or what happens you come and tell me." My mom was always there to support me first and discipline me after. I called my mom into my room and told her that I was pregnant. Her first reaction was if I was sure. She went to tell my father. I felt like the biggest disappointment. I felt like I wasn't even worthy of being called his daughter. The look my daddy gave me broke my heart. It was a look of disgust, denial, and disapproval.
Through the next several months I felt the overwhelming pressure of setting up government assistance, getting checked out at the doctor, and deciding how we want to proceed. We decided to get married after I finished school. When we went to the doctor we discovered that Abbie was at an extremely high risk for mental and physically disability due to my bipolar medications and from my fibromyalgia medicine. The fear overtook me. How would I be able to raise a mentally and physically disabled child? As time continued the excitement grew as I anticipated her arrival. I became ill with Abbie. I had really bad morning sickness, I became anemic, and I was put on bedrest. I grew worried about how I would be able to provide for a family and physically be available to take care of a child.
A few years after Abbie was born, with no birth defects (Praise God), I gave God control of my life. Satan used my sin, premarital sex, as a way to make me feel guilty, unusable, and unworthy of God. I can see know what God means in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God has taught me so much and I have been so blessed to have an amazing daughter, an amazing life, a closeness with my parents, a closeness with God I could never have imagined, and a testimony.
It can be so easy to look at another person and judge where they are coming from and what they have done, but I count myself blessed because I know the love and grace God had for me. Romans 2:1-3 "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?" None of us are found innocent and yet God still has reached out to us. We then should reach out to others. We should not allow Satan to make us feel guilt and shame for sins that God has already forgiven us for, instead we should be honest with each other in praising God for His grace and offering ours as a small token or offering, and we should not hide away our past and our transgressions because they can be used to help others grow and learn.
At any age there can be so many overwhelming feelings when discovering that you are expecting a child. There a feelings of excitement, feelings of concern, feelings of inadequacy, and feelings of fear. These feelings combined with hormones can be a crazy. There is so much to accomplish and get organized when you find out that you have to make space in your life for one more person.
It is something completely different when you are young and when you are not married. Even the way that society looks at you is completely different. If found that people were so sweet to me when I just had Eb as a 26yr old married female. People were open, loving, and supportive; but when I was pregnant with Abbie many people were either rude or disconnected from me. It can feel very lonely and confusing.
When I was on my spring break my senior year, I noticed that my lower back was constantly hurting. I took a pregnancy test and did not believe the results, so much so that I took a second test. My life was over. I was engaged to my now hubby but my first reaction was that he would break up with me. I only told a couple friends for fear of the rumors that would be spread at school. I was terrified at the idea of telling my mom and dad but I remembered my mom always telling me, "No matter what you do or what happens you come and tell me." My mom was always there to support me first and discipline me after. I called my mom into my room and told her that I was pregnant. Her first reaction was if I was sure. She went to tell my father. I felt like the biggest disappointment. I felt like I wasn't even worthy of being called his daughter. The look my daddy gave me broke my heart. It was a look of disgust, denial, and disapproval.
Through the next several months I felt the overwhelming pressure of setting up government assistance, getting checked out at the doctor, and deciding how we want to proceed. We decided to get married after I finished school. When we went to the doctor we discovered that Abbie was at an extremely high risk for mental and physically disability due to my bipolar medications and from my fibromyalgia medicine. The fear overtook me. How would I be able to raise a mentally and physically disabled child? As time continued the excitement grew as I anticipated her arrival. I became ill with Abbie. I had really bad morning sickness, I became anemic, and I was put on bedrest. I grew worried about how I would be able to provide for a family and physically be available to take care of a child.
A few years after Abbie was born, with no birth defects (Praise God), I gave God control of my life. Satan used my sin, premarital sex, as a way to make me feel guilty, unusable, and unworthy of God. I can see know what God means in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God has taught me so much and I have been so blessed to have an amazing daughter, an amazing life, a closeness with my parents, a closeness with God I could never have imagined, and a testimony.
It can be so easy to look at another person and judge where they are coming from and what they have done, but I count myself blessed because I know the love and grace God had for me. Romans 2:1-3 "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?" None of us are found innocent and yet God still has reached out to us. We then should reach out to others. We should not allow Satan to make us feel guilt and shame for sins that God has already forgiven us for, instead we should be honest with each other in praising God for His grace and offering ours as a small token or offering, and we should not hide away our past and our transgressions because they can be used to help others grow and learn.
It is amazing to me how deeply rooted in guilt and shame we can become. Satan is so subtle too in how he uses it and builds it, putting pile after pile on our shoulders. Thanks God for the Cross and Jesus taking our guilt and shame and nailing them to the Cross so that we could walk in freedom!
ReplyDelete