I Have Been Betrayed

On Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, there are many writing prompts that are listed each day. One that really spoke to me was as follows: Write a poem that about a time you felt betrayed.







Merriam Webster Dictionary defines "betray" as 

to lead astray; especially : seduce

 to deliver to an enemy by treachery

 to fail or desert especially in time of need

Although it may sound a little crazy I feel that I have betrayed myself for several years, through my lack of action towards improving my health and taking control of my weight issue. I lead myself astray by ignoring the issue and by providing junk food. I delivered myself into the devils arms through believing and repeating his lies and by giving into temptations. I also deserted the younger version of myself, when I began to use food as a way to comfort myself. There were plenty of times that I could have taken the time and effort to discover what part of me was hurting and calling out for help through the use of food. I am hoping and praying that I can turn this around. I want to claim the victory God has for me. Not necessarily the victory of weight loss but in improving my self-control and by making healthy decisions for my family and myself. 

Imprisoned

How could witness my imprisonment? 

I have been a prisoner of your choices for years. 

How could you sit and believe the lies?

The lies that are written inside of the mirrors. 

I called out, called out to be saved.

But instead you choose the foods you craved.

I was hurting and you would only ignore. 

How did you not see the pain I tried to hide?

The pain I bandaged with food and junk.

And now here I am, imprisoned deep inside. 

There I screamed, my voice upraised,

But you just choose your lazy ways. 

Today I checked out a book, from the library, called "Body Clutter: Love your body, love yourself." It is written by the FlyLady. She has some great questions listed for the missions. 

First days questions:

Look back for your first memory of comfort food. Is it a certain food or any food?

Popcorn and Ice-cream were my go to foods. I would sit in front of the television and eat them. 

What is your favorite food when you need comforting?

Popcorn and sometimes Ice-cream. 

Now, can you look back in your past to figure out why you love it so much? 

When I was stressed or bored it was a quick fix. I felt like I could find what I needed at the bottom of the container and I would search and search. 

Write down your first memory of using food to comfort yourself and what was happening to you and how you felt at the time. 

I don't remember my first memory of using those foods but I do remember feeling lonely. These were the times my depression first began to flair up. I felt fat, even though at the time I was not at all overweight. I gained almost a hundred pounds in one year. I felt this pulling or this drive to eat. 

I think I still need to dig deeper and see why that sadness was there. I am excited to see what will come of this new kick. I fear that it won't last but I need to give myself a break. I can't set myself up for defeat before it is necessary. Even if I don't end up sticking to it.. eating better for a day or two is better than not at all. Recently, I began WW and exercising more more than ever before. 

Do you feel like you have betrayed yourself in any area? What is your comfort food?