Not Sure How This Will Work

For really struggling with self-confidence, I tend to also really struggle with pride. Not the type of prose where I think I am great or all that, but the type where I tend to think “I’ve got this.” I try to be strong, fight through, run on fumes, shove feelings down, and not inconvenience anyone. I have done this for a long time and it seemed to always work for me, until it didn’t.

If you have ever had a toddler near you in your daily life you would easily recognize the insanity and craziness I speak of. Toddlers tend to want to be independent, even when their ability does not match their objective.

“I do it”, the young girl says to her mom as she tries to pick up the 20 lb bag of dog food.

“No, I pour it”, says the eager boy with the full gallon of milk and the unstable plastic cup on the floor.

Toddlers so want to accomplish what they see as within their ability and skill set. Often, this leads to tantrums and tears. This is where I have come to as an adult. I am all the way back at being that toddler looking at my friends, family, and my heavenly Daddy saying, “No, I do it.”

I really struggle with self-sufficiency and pride. I see now that in my marriage it lead to enabling because I did not expect or seek help. If something needed done, I would figure it out.
As a young adult accepting help, especially from a male, made me feel inferior and belittled. I looked up to my big brothers and their friends and I wanted to keep up with them. I didn’t want the fact that I was a girl equate to me being weaker. In high school I was determined to never need any man to do something for me. I made sure I could change a flat tire and other simple car repairs. When I got married this changed to me wanting a partner and teammate, but not expecting it.

Since the separation, I find that the hurt and rejection has made me feel that it is even more important to be self-sufficient. In my head it is necessary in order for me to provide and care for my girls. I have an amazing support system, but all I can think is that I have to prepare myself to provide for them. I have to meet their needs. I have to be an example of a strong woman. I have to fill both roles for the girls. I have to make sure I am pointing the way back to God. I have to get ready to be a strong single mom because that is what my girls need. I have to... I have to... I have to...

I am making a couple HUGE errors... well honestly several, but for now my emotions can only handle a couple.

1. It is not about what I can or have to do, it is about what God can and will do. I am not sure yet how to allow that or balance getting things done and allowing God to be God but I need to pray about it. I need God to give me discernment and strength.

2. The girls and I are so blessed to have our support system. Not allowing help or even worse making it seem as if an do not need help is not being strong and independent. It is being proud, arrogant, and foolish. Ouch.

3. Males are important. They have value, wisdom, and strength that I can benefit from. I am not helping my daughters by making it appear as if they are not needed or have no value. I need to get over feeling inferior and instead be grateful.

I have no idea yet how to put these into action or how to adjust my heart.... (see there I go again already trying to adjust my own heart ... doh).

God, please help me to see that my way of doing things in my strength are not honoring to you. Help me to set my pride before your throne an dot give you my hurt and problems. I thank you for the support you have placed me with and for their willingness to be your hands and feet to the girls and I. Show me what You want me to do and what I need to hand over to you. Amen