Exposing the Toxins
I am like a tree...
From a distance I look like any other tree.
I seem to stand tall and strong.
I have branches with growth and life,
As you get closer you notice something,
I have damaged and dead limbs.
I lean from the constant winds.
I have words and scars engraved in me.... words of self-hatred.
My entire life I have battled with self-hatred. I have battled with thinking so little of myself that I feel guilty for others being exposed to my presence. I feel thankful for those who harm me, because they at least loved the unloveable me. I apologize for having emotions and opinions. I am not humble, I am uncomfortable with any praise. I see myself as stupid, lazy, unloveable, weak, annoying, fat, ugly, and worthless. I struggle to believe that friends and family can love me, but rather they are so kind and have pity on me. How can a perfect God, my Heavenly Father, love this?
I have so many toxins in my thinking and engraved into the identity. Some have been engraved into me, but all of which I engraved even deeper into the core. The process of preparing for the divorce of my almost 15 year marriage has left me feeling as if I have been cut open and left exposed. In the exposing of the pain and brokenness these toxins have come pouring out. I try to shove them back in and conceal the pain.
No more! I want my girls to have a mentally healthy mom. I want to be an example to them and not one of self hate. I so want to be used by God, but how can He use someone who does not trust His love and His truth about who they are? I also want to have healthy relationships with people around me and I do not want to be toxic to them. I know I should want to fix things for myself, but honestly I am not there.
I do not want to hate myself anymore, but I do not see a way to stop. This year, since I am already cut open and exposed, I am going to work on getting out the toxins. I am going to allow God and other to help me process and heal me.
From a distance I look like any other tree.
I seem to stand tall and strong.
I have branches with growth and life,
As you get closer you notice something,
I have damaged and dead limbs.
I lean from the constant winds.
I have words and scars engraved in me.... words of self-hatred.
My entire life I have battled with self-hatred. I have battled with thinking so little of myself that I feel guilty for others being exposed to my presence. I feel thankful for those who harm me, because they at least loved the unloveable me. I apologize for having emotions and opinions. I am not humble, I am uncomfortable with any praise. I see myself as stupid, lazy, unloveable, weak, annoying, fat, ugly, and worthless. I struggle to believe that friends and family can love me, but rather they are so kind and have pity on me. How can a perfect God, my Heavenly Father, love this?
I have so many toxins in my thinking and engraved into the identity. Some have been engraved into me, but all of which I engraved even deeper into the core. The process of preparing for the divorce of my almost 15 year marriage has left me feeling as if I have been cut open and left exposed. In the exposing of the pain and brokenness these toxins have come pouring out. I try to shove them back in and conceal the pain.
No more! I want my girls to have a mentally healthy mom. I want to be an example to them and not one of self hate. I so want to be used by God, but how can He use someone who does not trust His love and His truth about who they are? I also want to have healthy relationships with people around me and I do not want to be toxic to them. I know I should want to fix things for myself, but honestly I am not there.
I do not want to hate myself anymore, but I do not see a way to stop. This year, since I am already cut open and exposed, I am going to work on getting out the toxins. I am going to allow God and other to help me process and heal me.
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