Blindsided

As I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep, I play my favorite game on the phone. In all my efforts to pass the level I end up killing all of my lives. I have to decide whether to wait ten minutes to gain a new life or to turn off the phone and just go to bed. I know that there is no way I will be able to sleep if I don't beat the level for once and for all, so I decide to wait it out.

I begin looking through the phone to find something that will keep me busy until I get a new life. I go and look at the beautiful pictures of my family. Pictures that truly grasp all the love my family brings me. Then something reaches into my chest, wraps it's fist around my heart, and stop it with a deep pain. I suddenly forget how to breathe and become light headed. The picture is of a naked woman's large breasts. My head is filled with so many thoughts that I am unable to collect them all.

What the hell?
Not again.
I thought we were doing so well.
What is wrong with me? Why does he have to look at this filth to get satisfaction.
She's not even that pretty.

I desperately want to close the phone and no longer look at it, but am overwhelmed by a desire to know the full depths of this betrayal. I continue looking and find several other pictures and videos. With each one I feel as if I have been hit by some large object right in the gut. I begin to shake and feel as if I am going to be sick.

My head and my heart are immediately divided.

My heart says: We have been doing so well. We have felt so close. How did I not see this coming?
My spirit says: Porn addictions, along with any other, don't just go away overnight.

My heart says: I am not enough for him. He isn't attracted to me.
My spirit says: Only God is enough for him. It isn't about me or her, it's about him and God.

My heart says: I want to and need to lash out. I don't deserve this.
My spirit says: Oh God my God, I am hurting so much. I just can't Lord. Help me. Please God come and take this pain from me. Show me how to have love and grace even though I am hurting so much. Give me the words to say that will minister to my husband at this time. God, I am so broken. I need you.

I catch my breath, collect myself, and walk into the living room where I just set the open phone in front of him. Dread fills his face. Excuses flow from his lips. He sees the pain on my face and I walk away, unable to say anything at all.

Anger, pain, disgust, and confusion fill my heart. I hate the addiction. I hate the woman who is in the picture. I hate the devil for sneaking his way into my home. I hate that I will become the untrusting wife who feels the need to check all his devices. I hate that it was right between a picture of me and a picture of our children.
I keep calling out to God, "Help me Lord, I can't. I just can't." I lay in bed afraid that if I start to cry I wont be able to stop.

My husband enters the room and asks if I need space for the night. I tell him no. My heart wants space, but at the same time I already feel so alone and isolated that having a body in bed might be soothing. He tries to explain how the pictures are old, how he thought he had deleted them, how he had already spoken to an accountability partner and gotten back on the right track. His words bring me little comfort from the deep pain of betrayal and inadequacy. We discuss how often the secrecy of hiding it hurts more than the act. I am able to tell him how I am glad that he repented with God, but that he also needed to make amends to me for hurting me... hurting us. It is obvious that he is truly remorseful and his apologies bring some comfort.

I don't expect perfection in my marriage, but I do expect communication about our imperfections. I so want to hold him up in prayer and to be there to support him even in tough times, and by not being told about things I am unable to.

That night I tossed and turned unable to sleep. That night God held me in His arms whispering to my heart, "It's ok my child. I will not leave you."

I will struggle with the pain and anger, but that will be something that I have to give to God and let Him carry me through. I will struggle with trust, but with God our marriage can heal.